Pt 50: Divorce is For Failures

You know what? I was a catch when I met my EX, damn it! I was full of energy, sense of purpose, self-love and a zest for life. I had dreams, goals, aspirations and was eager to share my life with him. I loved the idea of happiness and success becoming a joint project. And I couldn't wait to co-create a life together in which we both thrived personally and professionally while constantly evolving into better versions of ourselves. Unfortunately, when I made that bold move cross-country to marry the love of my life, it was as if I had traveled through a time warp that erased the memory of what I needed to maintain that personal strength.

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Pt 49: From Sucker to Slut

And that's the dude I turned The Rock down for. But rather than wallowing in misery and regret, I became a slut. Not a slut in the numerical sense, though. Let's just say, I lost any sort of cautionary discretion when it came to sleeping with someone before really getting to know them. Yes, even less discretion than cohabiting with someone within weeks of meeting. Put it this way: if I knew your name and you made me "tingle"... I was down. Being a slut wasn't a conscious decision, mind you. It just happened. All those self-help books I delved into after leaving my EX-BF convinced me to honor the needs of my "pleasure center" aka the second chakra. And so I did... with insurmountable pleasure.

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Pt 48: Sucker for Love

What a sobering thought to realize I might not have been the catch I thought I was. Especially since, by the time I met my husband, I was thirty years old and felt damn good about the person I had become. It was just seven years earlier I dared exercise my independence and free-will by mustering up the courage to move to NYC. It wasn’t the idea of being on my own for the first time nor living in NYC that seemed daunting, but the reaction I’d get from my family and congregation for quitting my religion cold turkey and pursuing my “worldly” ambitions. I’d been raised to believe that, without the safety and structure of their ideals, I'd hit rock bottom. Or, as my mom would put it, I'd "fall off the deep end". What they didn’t realize, though, was that I already felt stuck in a bottomless pit.

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Pt 47: Falling In Love With Potential

Social ineptitude resulted in lots of alone time where I sometimes nurtured my resentment, fears and love of red wine during severe bouts of single-itis. But there were also those absolutely IndieGirl-icious periods when I experienced many an "AHA!" moment and great epiphany. During both the bleak and bright times I definitely discovered patterns of behavior that I wanted to change, if only I knew how. Aside from my newly acquired social awkwardness, I wanted to somehow improve my ability to choose the right man; whether he be just a play thang or future significant other. I needed to figure out WHY I kept attracting the same types of people and situations into my life? I mean, how do you control attraction or who you fall in love with? Until I could figure that shit out and how to start trusting myself and others, I knew I wasn't ready for my first post-marriage fling or serious relationship, for that matter.

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Pt 46: Friends & Frenemies

Fucking TRUST! You're lonely without it and utterly screwed if you dare invest it in others. At least that's been my experience. The risk involved in trusting someone (post-separation) is so absolutely unnerving to me, that I've been walking around with this uncontrollably latent paranoia that the world at large is out to get me. Dramatic, I know. But to clarify: I don't necessarily feel that people are intentionally trying to hurt me. What I seem to be battling transcends the machinations of mere mortals. My earthly opponents feel more like pawns used by the Universe to unleash karmic lessons for some past life shit. After all, my EX even claimed, "I never meant to hurt you". Maybe he didn't. Maybe the Universe orchestrated the drunken one-night stand, the year of lying, betrayal and deceit followed by the affair during the last few months of our marriage.

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