- Is it hard to verbalize your physical & emotional needs in a relationship?
- Does expressing your hurts, fears & failures make you feel weak?
- Does your throat tighten when asking for what you deserve?
- Does sharing your creative ideas, thoughts & opinions feel too vulnerable?
Let's just say that, for most of my life I could answer "YES!" to all of these questions. And even now at age forty-five I still struggle with total vulnerability if I need something from someone; whether it be their time, support or understanding. And when I ask myself what it is that stifles my voice, the only thing I can come up with is FEAR. Fear of being a burden or a disappointment, fear of criticism or rejection, fear of looking weak or needy; or the fear that I'm not worthy of asking in the first place. At some point in time, I decided that I have to be Wonder Woman; completely independent and self-reliant. And despite the fact that I've always been willing and eager to support others and even anticipate their needs, the thought me of actually needing someone is paralyzing. My ego translates it as not being good enough, strong enough, self-sufficient enough, emotionally evolved enough... y'know ENOUGH.
But what I'm hyper-aware of now is that, whenever I bury my truth, the more my outer world feels out of alignment with my inner world. There's this agitating restlessness in my gut because I know I'm settling for less that what I want, need and deserve. And what's worse is that I know I have the power to change it if I could just break through my ego to kill the fear. Until then, I'm left feeling unseen, unheard, unsupported and undervalued. My fault!
I've gotta give my divorce a bunch of credit for this "Aha!" moment because it forced me to swallow my pride, ask for help and learn to depend on others. And boy did it burn! I remember the shame and guilt I felt whenever people extended any type of kindness or generosity toward me. But I couldn't have survived the emotional pain or financial hardship without my friends and family. And the deeper I tiptoed into the land of vulnerability and dared to speak my truth, I realized that people actually wanted to support me and it created so much more depth, trust and authenticity to my relationships. I realized that despite my superhero fantasies, I was never meant to be Wonder Woman after all.
And, yes, my ego still gets in the way of my truth sometimes. But I'm conscious of the fact that when I hide who I am, what I want and what I need, it only leads to bitter discontent. It's so much better to speak your truth. Your tribe will listen!
Indie Girl Diary: writing prompt
Today, I'm going to speak my truth about: