- Have you ever been ghosted or dumped without explanation?
- Are you confused by the amazing connection you shared with someone, while simultaneously reeling from their rejection?
- Has lack of closure from previous relationships made vulnerability difficult in new ones?
- Have you stopped trusting love?
Endings happen. But they're not always "happily ever after". Some endings, no matter how hurtful, at least give you the benefit of a reason, an explanation, or a sincere apology. And in some cases, you understand that "the end" was simply a matter of time; it was expected, and so you prepared for it mentally and emotionally. You felt the pain of loss, you grieved, you cried, you healed, and you moved on.
But it's the unexpected endings that aren't sealed with closure that make me question why I'm not worthy of a reason, an explanation, or an apology. Or why I'm instead served silence, excuses, or lies that leave me feeling irreparably flawed and unlovable. My emotional response pattern is this: I feel sorry for myself. I'm sad, but I don't let myself cry. I get angry at the person or the situation. And then I get angry at the Universe. But since self-pity, sadness, and anger are miserable feelings to stew in, I finally let out a big cry before shutting down emotionally and attacking life with a vengeance, because now I feel like I've got some serious s**t to prove! Y'know like, how lovable, intelligent, talented, creative, successful, beautiful, sexy, and desirable I am - damn it! So, on the surface, I look all positive and unaffected by loss, heartbreak, and betrayal, but inside the wounds run deep and affect my ability to love myself unconditionally, let alone recognize genuine love from other people and let it in.
I'm working on breaking that pattern by creating my own kind of closure so I can move forward with an open heart and mind. Because it feels brutally painful to hold such vivid and amazing memories of someone while simultaneously reeling from their rejection, and the betrayal of no closure. The emotions are so impossibly extreme and incongruous that you feel like you're going crazy. Was everything a lie? I want to trust that vulnerability doesn't always end in disillusion and heartbreak.
So far I've learned to accept the fact that that how someone treats me isn't necessarily a reflection of me or my worth, but:
- a reflection of how they feel about themselves.
- their inability to honestly and effectively communicate their emotions.
- a defense mechanism for handling their uncomfortable emotions or avoiding confrontation.
Also, if I'm truly honest with myself (and in need of a little external validation), I know that every time someone hurts me, I've got three people ready to lift me up. Yes, my ride or die homies - my sister-friends - are always there to stick a mirror in my face to remind me of who I am and what I'm worthy of. And then there are those intimate conversations I have with myself in my journal, my Indie Girl Diary, where the bloodletting happens. It's where I pour everything onto the page and clarity is revealed. Oftentimes, "the end" was imminent. I just didn't want to admit it.
Describe a relationship that ended without closure. How does it make you feel? How has it effected other relationships? What can you do to create the closure you need so you can move forward with renewed vulnerability and trust?
And tell all your single sista-friends!