The whole break-up is a blur.I was completely blind-sided. Well, maybe not completely. My EX had been acting “funny” for a couple of months. By “funny” I mean distant. But the distance seemed to run concurrently with his couple of months of sobriety so; instead of feeding my insecurities with my hyper-analytical mind and tendencies toward self-loathing, I allowed myself to have compassion for my EX. I mean, how could I be so self-absorbed to think that everything was about ME? His unfamiliar coldness and lack of affection couldn’t possibly be because he had fallen out of love with ME. When he kissed my lips out of habit rather than passion, or spent sleepless nights playing X-BOX rather than making love to ME; it couldn’t possibly have been due to lack of passion for ME. Instead, I was proud of my ex for finally facing his demons and facing life without the mask of alcohol. My heart felt even more proud as I watched him feel victorious over the very thing that was concurrently destroying his father’s health, marriage and relationship with his kids from marriage #2. As much as my EX loves his father, he always claimed that he didn’t want to turn out like his father. He was determined to break the cycle. When my ego could take it no longer, I finally approached him as he lay in bed reading the AA Bible. I told him that I felt that he didn’t even “like” me anymore, let alone love me.
Little did I know that this would be the beginning of the end. Little did I know that his “sobriety” was giving him greater “clarity”. And, even though he admitted:
“our wedding was the best day of my life”
“our marriage was not a mistake”
“there’s nothing wrong with our relationship”
“I want to be in your life forever”
Yep, despite ALL that stuff, he also said:
“MARRIED LIFE IS NOT FOR ME!”