So I made up some lame ass excuse for my total and utter awkwardness. I had to. I was too embarrassed to 'fess up for real. I'd already tipped the scales of comfortable vulnerability. And then to add to my humiliation, Mr. Weird Science called me out with a quick text response saying he hoped the "real reason" for my awkwardness wasn't because of our intimate little conversation that took place after whiskey, after sex and in the dark. Damn him for seeing straight through me! And damn me for stepping out of my comfort zone and falling so clumsily onto my face.
But then... then, he ended his text with "I hope to see you soon". Huh? What was that supposed to mean? When will guys ever realize the all-consuming energy us girls (and grown-ass, forty-three year old women) put into deciphering subtext? Like, what did he mean he hopes to see me soon? Was that some kind of formality? Because I thought I'd made it perfectly clear that I wasn't cool with our little friends with benefits situation anymore. I mean, damn, it had been one year already! Did he think I could just turn off my feelings and convert our relationship into a friends with NO benefits situation? Were we suddenly gonna be just homies and pretend like there was no chemistry between us? Did he think I'd willingly put myself through some type of unrequited love relationship that stroked his ego while diminishing mine? Been there. Done that in my twenties. I ain't got no time fo dat!
And according to him (from what I remember) our intentions were different. So why'd he wanna see me again? And soon? I thought his emotional plate was full and that, despite how much he recognized our chemistry, valued me, enjoyed our friendship and our time spent together; he was happy with "status quo". Meanwhile, I wasn't satisfied with status quo and was busy trying to forget about "us". That was until my nemesis, the Universe, felt the need to tease me with an unexpected Mr. Weird Science sighting. But, shit! The reality was, I did wanna see him again. And soon! Did that make me a sucker?
Something felt unfinished about us though. Closure wasn't complete. But maybe that was just me trying to hold onto something that didn't exist. Like him, I really did like what we had; the chemistry and the friendship and all. And I really was comfortable with the slow, organic pace of our relationship without labels or a predetermined destination. Did this mean that I was happy with status quo after all? Nope. Something was definitely missing for me. Something really hard for me to admit to myself and painfully impossible to admit to him. I was afraid of asking for what I wanted, needed and felt I deserved after one year of "dating". MONOGAMY. Yes, I wanted status quo... plus monogamy. And, who knows, maybe we were monogamous purely by circumstance. But I needed it to be a conversation and a genuinely shared intention.
My relationship track record, though, raised extreme doubts that anyone would want to be with me and only me. So while monogamy seemed to be exactly what I wanted, I still wrestled with whether or not it was too much to ask. I mean, was it really necessary? And more importantly... possible? Perhaps it was time for me to realize that my values were antiquated and expectations too high.