I signed the dotted line and the next few months were a chaotic mess of fear, numbness and denial mixed with the excitement of possibility. The idea of uprooting my life in such a big way seemed like pure fiction. How could I possibly be the protagonist of such a crazy adventure where one rids themselves of all their worldly possessions, says goodbye to friends and family, their favorite creature comforts; and moves to a private island for the next two years of her life? Especially when said protagonist has her heart set on falling in love, nurturing a partnership and setting up roots (together) in NYC within that same time frame? Signing that contract felt almost like an out of body experience; like the Universe was guiding my pen as I observed my life careening toward the brink of drastically uncomfortable change - again. I could feel that all too familiar pain of the muscles seizing around my spine in anticipation of the inevitable crash and burn. I tried to breathe through it.
But I was stuck in the mindset of interpreting all of life's changes as loss and failure. That’s what divorce, foreclosure, and two business flops; plus getting laid off and ultimately retiring from my awesome performing career felt like. And all the residual feelings about myself and those experiences were chiseled into my muscle memory and embedded into my psyche in what felt like a six year bootcamp: “How To Succeed at Failing Without Really Trying”. I was in a perpetual state of rebuilding my life; constantly struggling to find and embrace the “new normal” while deep down inside all I really craved was the comfy "old normal" which I had created with such passion, commitment and integrity. I was exhausted from trying to reassemble my confidence and self-worth with just the remaining shattered pieces. They didn't fit perfectly together anymore. All I had left was a makeshift version of myself that didn't feel strong enough to withstand any more pressure. And I was tired of convincing myself of the power of positive thinking when it didn’t always reflect the true experience of my thoughts and emotions. I felt justified in my sadness and fear but, at the same time, was terrified of the irreparable damage it might do to my spirit if I wallowed there too long.
Just as I had convinced myself that moving from the City of Dreams was a sure sign of failure and admission that I’m incapable of manifesting any, Mr. Weird Science dropped some insight on my whiny little ass. He helped me see that, by signing the contract, I was actually orchestrating the change in my life. Life wasn’t happening to me. I was creating it. And I had the power to either create more exciting possibilities for myself or go to Turks & Caicos with a funky attitude. So I worked on my mindset as I started dividing my worldly possessions into three piles: KEEP, GIVE AWAY, DISCARD. And as I started moving the pieces of my life, I could finally see the possibility of succeeding at success.