Solitude feels like an uninvited guest. She's this big ol' annoying pest that's hard to shake as she stomps through my head with her loud-ass megaphone blasting my each and every thought with a deafening echo as a constant reminder of my mindset. "I'm bored". "I'm lonely". "I'd rather be in NYC". But as much as she feels like an intrusive pain in my ass, I have to give her credit for reminding me of how my mindset effects my daily experiences here on this remote island in the Caribbean.
Life here started off as an exciting adventure despite my initial fears and resistance to change. I was determined to seize this new opportunity by the balls! So, typical of me, I came here with specific goals, a timeline, and to-do lists because that's just my standard operating procedure when I'm feelin' bout' it,'bout it. And I was. I was on a mission to hit that reset button and transform my life. But I was also ready to embrace unknown possibilities and thrive in whichever direction the Universe was guiding me. I guess you could say, I finally surrendered to the idea of another major life change. It felt completely badass to open an unforeseen chapter in my life that was so different from the pages of my artistic past as a professional dancer and aerial artist; no matter how much I missed performing. And it felt incredibly empowering to use my skills as a Pilates instructor to have that rare opportunity of living as an expat and working at an award-winning spa at five-star resort. Teaching here felt inexplicably rewarding as the whole environment is so conducive to reconnecting with your body, mind and spirit in an authentic way which totally corresponds with my personal fitness philosophy. To me, working out is about more than just achieving "long and lean muscles" or "six pack abs". It's about living fully in your body and creating longevity. 'Cause I know I still wanna be pole dancing when I'm eighty-five years old! So besides looking good, I wanna help people feel healthy, energized and pain free. And guests here seemed to respond to my philosophy by leaving behind the typical "no pain, no gain" mentality, focusing inwardly, and surrendering to the intensity that comes from a vigorous Pilates workout balanced with its mind-body connection. I felt like I was in my zone; adding value to people's lives, even if I had the privilege of working with them for only a few times during their vacation stay. Oh, and teaching against nature's backdrop of palm trees, lush mangroves and turquoise sea certainly didn't suck either.
But the stillness of this island... Damn the stillness! It felt as alarming to me as 42nd Street to an Amish tourist visiting NYC for the first time. I was in awe of it even though I didn't know how to survive it yet. I didn't know how my 'bout it, 'bout it mentality would fit in until I realized it didn't. Until stillness hypnotized me into a state of lack. Because all I started to see was everything I really wanted, thought I deserved, but didn't have. Like, ahem, a man. Physical and emotional intimacy. A place to call home. A big ol' bank account. The creature comforts of the city. My tribe. I mean, all I've ever wanted since my divorce was to feel grounded again. And yet seven years later, my life was still in limbo. Lack made me stop seeing the big picture. I only felt each painful moment of stillness with solitude screaming in my ear. Mentally, I was already marking the red exes on the calendar.
Solitude can suck it! I knew I had to steal the megaphone and start taking control of my thoughts or it was gonna be a tortuous two years.