Whiskey cures paralysis of the tongue, so I've discovered. I finally got the nerve to speak my truth; albeit a slightly inebriated version of the truth. But I made sure sex happened first 'cause I'd be damned to let this "relationship" fizzle without gettin' a little nookie beforehand. After all, nookie is hard to come by; especially good nookie with the guy I conjured up in my dreams, wrote about in my diary and discussed with my therapist long before manifesting him like a Weird Science project.
I'm not even sure how well I articulated my convoluted thoughts and emotions; all the stuff I'd been ruminating over for weeks that culminated in this imperative need to have "the talk". For two people that can spend hours in conversation and entangled in one another, we seem to conveniently avoid the topic of "us". Yes, "us", which is an intimidating little pronoun for this divorcee' who's been single for the past five years. For the first time in my life, the thought of "us" sounds so daunting, emotionally laborious and rigged for failure. Nevertheless, my heart and spirit needed to know if the possibility of "us" was real enough to justify what we had been doing for the past year. Yes, a whole friggin' year already! But a year of what feels like a natural, albeit slow, progression of a beautiful relationship.The speed of our relationship didn't concern me at all. I was in no rush to fabricate some "happily ever after" fairy tale romance for the sake of attachment. I didn't care about titles and felt no need to call anyone "my boyfriend", "my man" or "my partner". Nor did my ego feel the urge to "upgrade" my facebook relationship status for the sake of "likes". I'm not quite sure if I attribute this newly acquired, noncommittal outlook on dating, love and relationships to maturity or sheer fear. But, taking the fast-track to love seems far less appealing to me than enjoying a long and winding road toward something lasting... if that's what this potentially is. All I know is that whatever "us" is, feels different from anything I've ever experienced. Different and good.
In the past, I've always been attracted to my total "opposite". Opposite felt exhilarating, daring and adventurous. It was my opportunity to explore reckless, spontaneous, balls-out living; seeing what it's like to close my eyes and follow my heart while ignoring any sense of pragmatism. No game plan. Just go for it; whatever "it" was that day. Whatever felt good in the moment. Man, I'd fall head-over-heels and instantly in-love with guys who lived like that; who waited to see what life would bring rather than creating it themselves. But those were the very differences that eventually drove us apart. In retrospect, I feel like those men, my ex-husband included, ultimately came into my life to help me confront my fears, introduce me to my true self and solidify in my heart and mind what I want, need and expect in life and love. But most importantly, to know I'm worthy of those things.
This relationship feels completely different, though. I'm intrigued, not by the excitement of his persona, but by the strength of his character which I can see clearly through the slow pace in which our friendship has grown. And, most notably, how similar it is to mine. I look at him and, instead of seeing everything I'm not, I see such a positive reflection of everything I am and the work I've done to arrive here. The values and qualities I love and respect in him, are the very ones I've finally grown to love and respect in me. It feels both affirming and comfortable. But not the boring kinda comfortable. More like, "I'm home", kinda comfortable. And because of that, it feels like something powerful can grow from here. Like maaaybe "we" could become an "us".
But here's the thing about "us". Both of us are great conversationalists; full of vision, thought-provoking ideas, fascinating stories and life experiences. But... and here's the big BUT: when it comes to verbal communication about our needs, feelings and emotions, we suck. Physical communication? Not a problem! And that's probably why this conversation happened after whiskey... after sex... and in the dark.