This newfound realization that I was, perhaps, better off without my EX gave me brain space to fantasize about my potentially exciting new life as a single girl. I could start fresh. Create a world where work would be fulfilling, life would be social and love would be an adventurous thrill ride of hot men. In fact, I was gonna be the "Samantha" for the first time in my life! Why the hell not? After eight loyal years to the same dude, I owed it to myself to flex my sexual prowess all over New York City. I was single and life was nothing but options. Accountability? Only to myself. Compromise? Didn't have to. It was me, myself and I... the reeeee-mix!
Reality check. My heart and spirit couldn't quite catch up with my adventurous mind. I had ample stimulation in the intellectual, creative and artistic departments for sure. But, sexually? Ha! I was far from Samantha! In fact, I was as opposite as one could get. I just didn't have the emotional rebounding skills necessary to have wild, crazy sex with a smorgasbord of nameless men. Please, I didn't have the confidence to look a man in the eye; let alone flirt with him or, god forbid, have SEX! I didn't trust men. I didn't trust my choice in men. I didn't trust myself with men. Besides, I wouldn't have known if a man was diggin' me even if he stood outside my window with a boom box blaring "In Your Eyes" like John Cusak. It was time to re-think this whole swinging single thing.
It turns out my friends were more desperate to get me laid than I was, which was a phenomenon I didn't quite understand. Did they really think that the missing link to my happiness could be found via a casual romp in the sack? Did they really think that sex could snuff out the unsettled anger, hurt and sadness that I wasn't even sure had fully exploded and left my system? Did they even realize just how deep my level of distrust was? I'm gonna give 'em the benefit of the doubt because most of them had never been married and I know their intentions were nothing but pure. They just wanted the old Keex to return; the one with the consistent personality and positive energy. All they wanted to do was help me move past my EX. But as I was discovering more than a year post break-up, progress ain't easy. And, until you've experienced it first-hand, I don't think people realize that divorce IS NOT comparable to breaking up with a boyfriend! Been there, done that, shed those tears before. Marriage is different. You see, we made the leap from boyfriend and girlfriend to married couple because we intended to grow old together. We chose each other to be "the one" we wanted to build our lives, dreams, careers and family with. We were committed to supporting one another "through the good and the bad, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part". Yep, that was the promise we made. But here's my current reality: I'm lonely, single and desperately trying to re-create my life, dreams, career and image of family. All that while still carrying the name of the man that lied to me, cheated on me and deceived me. Not to mention the fact that, to this day, his financial choices effect my financial independence and mobility. Why? Because we are still married, thereby, legally bound to one another. And to untie that legal noose takes far more time, effort and tedious paperwork than getting your fucking marriage license. Oh, I remember that euphoric honeymoon phase when love was as delicious as lollipops and ice cream... when changing my name, joining finances and collecting assets was all fun and romantic. But now that I want and need out of my relationship, that fanciful legal intertwining feels more like a legal chokehold threatening my hope for ever feeling grounded, whole, complete and like myself again. I wasn't prepared for this type of monumental life collapse. I didn't just lose a boyfriend. And I didn't just lose my best friend, lover, life partner and husband. The end of my marriage made me lose my sense of grounding, my entire vision for the rest of my life, my hope for creating a family, my identity, my self-worth, and my ability to trust the world around me. I never anticipated everything falling to pieces. I never thought that, at age 40, I'd be starting life from scratch. Or that I'd be starting from scratch as a jaded, bitter bitch that trusts no-one.