Fucking TRUST! You're lonely without it and utterly screwed if you dare invest it in others. At least that's been my experience. The risk involved in trusting someone (post-separation) is so absolutely unnerving to me, that I've been walking around with this uncontrollably latent paranoia that the world at large is out to get me. Dramatic, I know. But to clarify: I don't necessarily feel that people are intentionally trying to hurt me. What I seem to be battling transcends the machinations of mere mortals. My earthly opponents feel more like pawns used by the Universe to unleash karmic lessons for some past life shit. After all, my EX even claimed, "I never meant to hurt you". Maybe he didn't. Maybe the Universe orchestrated the drunken one-night stand, the year of lying, betrayal and deceit followed by the affair during the last few months of our marriage. Maybe It was using him to hurt me against his will as a form of cosmic retribution. Poor thing. And perhaps the Universe was similarly using all of our "friends" that conspired in his adultery and lies by helping him conceal his secrets. Because what I am sure of is that, me and my BFF run in completely different circles so, in order for her to find out the truth about my marriage before I did, means there were some vicious rumors (truths) flying around the Los Angeles and perhaps NYC dance communities before the grapevine got wrapped around my neck. To me, real friends don't sit there and watch you get played. When they know your happiness is in jeopardy, real friends come to the rescue. They don't silently gawk at the impending train wreck that is about to become your life. Even two years later I'm haunted with the lingering question of who colluded with my EX in his lies. Who in my social circle of "friends" knew that my EX was cheating but didn't care enough about me to let me know? Who complacently watched as I was stripped of any sense of dignity? What I do gratefully recognize however is that this process of break-up, separation and divorce has revealed my true "sister-friends" with Technicolor clarity. They are some of the most treasured people in my life. They were even there for me when family wasn't.
So perhaps part of my karmic lesson is to fully grasp the sacredness of friendship and intimacy. Maybe I should be a little more cautious about who I let in. What I've learned so far is that people throw the word "friend" around far too freely and easily. Just because we run in the same social circles or you're friends with one of my friends doesn't mean that we're friends by default; even if I like you and you seem cool. Maybe one day we'll be friends. But first, we have to progress beyond the idle chatter, superficial chit-chat and awkward silences shared between mere acquaintances. Yeah, we may seem to have a bunch in common, relate on certain topics, enjoy healthy debates on other topics and even crack up at each other's jokes. But, to me, friendships are based on even more than that. We need real communication and trust which takes vulnerability, time and experience. And on this side of break-up, I'm stingy with all of the above. I've unfortunately turned into this hella cautious social freak that's wary of acquaintances posing as "friends" along with all the new people that have entered my life post break-up. Especially the ones that inflate the depth of our relationship by greeting me with meaningless deep hugs and trite "I love you's". But this newly mistrustful Keex is far from the person I want to be. I don't wanna isolate myself or bar any potential new friendships (or love interests, for that matter) because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I long for the blissfully ignorant periods in my life when I couldn't conceive of anyone deliberately hurting me or disregarding how their actions might affect me adversely. I had always been a people-person. I'm a Gemini after all. I loved meeting new people and engaging in conversations that enlightened, informed, inspired or entertained me. I loved getting to know people; learning about the experiences that shaped their character, their opinions and choices. And although I'm still interested in people, I'm fully cognisant of how I'm subconsciously cataloging, categorizing and forming judgements about them based on my own past experiences. It's as if I'm running a background check and just can't seem to stop myself. Or like I'm surreptitiously trying to determine their hidden agendas or ulterior motives while, at the same time, trying not to divulge too much information about myself. I mean, how else could I possibly outwit my cosmic opponent?
Neurotic? Totally. Crazy? One hundred percent! And I hate that about myself. But pure fear of repeating past failures in friendship and love keeps me from shedding my protective armor or letting my guard down. Even looking into people's eyes isn't the same anymore. I feel so emotionally transparent that people can see right through to my lingering pain, sadness and self-loathing; despite my seeming emotional progress. Even in the midst of apparently comfortable conversation, I'm constantly aware of the possibility that I'm being judged, pitied or plotted against. And I dread the occasional glimpse of my own reflection in someone's eyes which makes me even more aware of my newly acquired social discomfort.
Because of all this, I harbor a deep and painful resentment for the long-lasting collateral damaged caused by my EX, our failed marriage and the circumstances surrounding it. Yeah, it's been great to have all these self-reflective epiphanies, but I'm not quite sure what to do with them. I'm clearly not the person I used to be nor the person I want to be. But, I'm not sure what to do to truly re-gain control of my life and claim my happiness. Because, even worse than not trusting others, I don't trust myself anymore. And why should I? I helped create my current reality. I chose my EX. I chose my marriage. I chose the people I surrounded myself with. I chose the pursuit of the American Dream over my real passions. I chose to live a life that wasn't authentic. So now that I've proven I can't be entrusted with creating my own happiness, I'm left in a state of limbo and indecision. I exist in a fear-based world where my finger remains on the trigger; ready to aim, shoot and fire before any relationship feels too intrusive or dream becomes too tangible. But my desperate attempt at self-preservation seems to turn into loneliness and self-sabotage.