So, where was this great new love or series of lovers to be found? I swear I was keeping my eyes, heart and mind open to possibility. I even reinvigorated my OkCupid profile and decided to be less picky. Even if a guy didn’t seem my type physically, I gave him bonus points for similar interests plus good grammar and spelling. Then maybe, just maybe, I could overlook the man boobs and receding hairlines. But while I was getting lots of ego-boosting on-line attention, there was still no love connection. Had the Universe forsaken me? Had it disregarded my emotional and spiritual evolution? My IndieGirlSpirit?
And then, this arrived in my in-box...
subject: mea maxima culpa
I'm contacting you out of the blue to apologize for my disappearing act earlier this year. I went through a bit of a meltdown and, as I have a tendency to do, shut down. You were nothing but understanding and kind to me during our correspondence and did not deserve that at all. I am very sorry, it was all me and my messed up self - nothing to do with you. I hope that you can find your way to forgive me.
I am coming to NY this weekend, and would be very grateful if you would grant me the opportunity to meet you briefly for a beverage/bite and apologize in person.
Hoping to hear back from you,
Well I'll be damned! My “imaginary boyfriend” from OkCupid had resurfaced! Yep, the dude from Maryland who bailed on our highly anticipated weekend together using the "death in the family" excuse and leaving me to a lonely weekend of feminine blue balls plus an over-indulgence in wine, chocolate and negative mental chatter. And just as I was settling into the idea of a possible LDR (long distance relationship).
Oh, but no e-mail from my "imaginary boyfriend" would be complete without song lyrics to thoroughly express how he felt. This one got laced with lyrics from a Jimi Hedrix cover by Sting:
When I'm sad she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me free
It's alright, she says,
Take anything you want from me,
Fly on, little wing
Okay, so I had to give him credit for growing the balls to contact me again. And maybe a few extra points for kickin’ in the Hendrix and the accompanying video link. He was trying, after all. But I still wasn’t convinced he deserved face time. I mean, what was in it for me other than awkward conversation over a free “beverage/bite”? He owed me that, at least. But then what? Why would I wanna get involved with “meltdown” man who had the admitted “tendency to shut down” ‘cause he’s “messed up”? Who cares that he was a tall, dark, handsome, educated, well-traveled, bilingual biochemist? Yeah, his OkCupid profile seemed impressive. But if it had offered any type of character transparency, he certainly wouldn’t have made it into my little black book. 'Cause here's the thing: Open and honest communication is imperative to me! Had he sent me an e-mail laced with song lyrics back then, things might've been different. But after letting months lapse without explanation, my interest, respect and trust had faded. I didn't even know whether to believe there was an actual death in his family or if he was just too freaked out to meet me.
So I had to ask myself: "Self, how naive can you possibly be at this stage of your emotional and spiritual evolution to think communication issues (aka red flags) could be obscured by good looks, intelligence and career success? And how can you even dare claim to be "emotionally and spiritually evolved” if you let yourself succumb to the same old trap of "falling in love with potential"? And, self, what’s the point of experiencing major life lessons if you're just gonna diminish them to fleeting “AHA!” moments rather than catalysts for doing better, being better and making better choices in life and love?"
I knew I didn’t wanna be a sucker for potential anymore. I knew it would only bite me in the ass later, in the form of a fierce reality check followed by disappointment and heartbreak. Yes, of course I wanted the super-trifecta: super-hot, super-intelligent and super-successful. What self-respecting IndieGirl wouldn’t? But, even more than that, I wanted super-strength of character.
All that being said, damn curiosity got the best of me! I was dying to see what my "imaginary boyfriend" looked like in person. So, we agreed to meet at Bryant Park on Sunday between my 11am Redcord class and his 2pm departure from Grand Central Station. Short & sweet. I figured it would be the perfect amount of time for me to check him out and for him to apologize, pay for my coffee and bounce outta my life for good.