In my experience, on-line dating seems to be populated with guys who aren't really looking for a “love” connection, even if they claim to be. What they’re really looking for is sex. But who can blame them? They’ve got an entire database of equally desperate and horny women ready to raise their skirts at the mere flattery of a virtual wink. What kinda virile dude would forsake the opportunity to get-off on the regular while generating impressive stories about their latest sexual conquests, albeit embellished and unsubstantiated? Sadly, on-line dating has become a total disservice to these types of dudes who unknowingly suffer from a misguided sense of sexual prowess and entitlement issues when it comes to women, love and dating. It’s gotten to the point that guys with bare-chested, bathroom mirror photos and a completely empty profile page would send this concise pick-up line to my in-box: “Hi”. Yep, that’s it. How’d they expect me to respond to "Hi."? Did other women jump at that type of attention. Was I being too picky?
Besides those "subtle" pick-up lines, my in-box was also rapidly filling with blatant requests for casual and spontaneous hook-ups to threesomes. But there were also the comparatively few bashful requests from guys who actually read my profile and simply wanted to get to know me. Or so I thought. I quickly learned that the "get to know you" line is just a ruse. A coy way into the panties. Dude wants you to think he has wholesome intentions while temporarily keeping impure thoughts to himself. But I decided to play along for awhile to see what might happen. After all, I wasn't meeting anyone in my natural habitat. And since love didn't seem to be in my near future, the idea of living out my sexual fantasies with strangers became vastly more appealing.
Just because I had chosen the route of sexual exploration, though, didn't mean I was without standards or expectations. I couldn’t screw any old body. Nope! Despite my sexually open nature, that’s just never been my style. I’m a quality over quantity type of chick. I need to feel some type of chemistry. Some type of raw, animalistic, carnal attraction that vibrates deep below and makes my insides tingle. Not to mention those overwhelming hormonal surges that admittedly obscure my better judgement sometimes, making me feel all daring and reckless. Yeah, I craved that kinda feeling. Yet, as a newcomer to on-line dating, I struggled to conjure that up from a couple of edited photos. Yes, a picture may speak a thousand words but it also hides a myriad of secrets and lies. Besides, the generic autobiographical blurbs that seemed copied and pasted onto every profile offered no insight into the real man behind picture. Or was it just my luck that every dude on-line was "a down-to-earth kinda guy" with a "great sense of humor", "searching for that special someone"? I call bullshit! What they weren't gonna admit on OkCupid was that they're womanizing alcoholics in anger management classes. Or buttoned-up conservatives with a family of four who have no idea he's secretly living the life of a bachelor with rubber and latex fetishes. Or even worse, that he has sadistic plans to make our date the next plot-line for Law & Order: SVU.
But, in the spirit of adventure and journeying into the unknown, I revamped my standards and expectations. My new rule was that a dude didn't have to seem particularly hot or make me tingle at first glance; just potentially fuckable if his personality ultimately redeemed what I considered physical flaws. For example: 6' 3" is hot. 5' 3" is not. Bald is hot. Receding hairline is not. Lean & muscular is hot. Skinnier than me is not.
BOOM! In came a prospect who wanted "to get to know you”. He wasn't exactly my type but decent-enough looking that, if coitus were to occur, I could keep my eyes closed and teleport into the arms of someone like, say, Channing Tatum. (The Rock would've been too much of a stretch even for my imagination.) Anyway, dude seemed to think we had similar spirits and invited me to visit his profile. If interested, he asked that I reveal a little more info about myself and what I hoped he would bring to the table. So, I proceeded to his profile page. Okay, that was hot! As a Gemini, I'm a sucker for words. The right combination of words and phrases can get me just as hot and bothered as a good ass grab. So I figured, if he could stimulate my g-spot as well as he titillated my mind, maybe we were onto something.
What appealed to me about him was that he strayed from the generic: "I'm a down-to-earth kinda guy" with a "great sense of humor", "searching for that special someone". Instead, he took the time to offer clever insight into his tastes, preferences and personality via a creative list of randomly fun to read bullet points. So, I responded to his request for more info about me in the same way. Our little repartee went like this:
HIM: I’m creative.
ME: I’m creative and have made my living for the past 20years based on my creativity.
HIM: I’m honest.
ME: I’m honest and tend to be an open book.
HIM: I'll make you laugh.
ME: I'm told that I'm funniest when I'm not trying to be funny at all.
HIM: I’m a bit of an insomniac.
ME: I’m a bit of an insomniac and that's why I'm responding to your e-mail at 3am.
HIM: I laugh a lot and you will too.
ME: I love to laugh; especially the kind of laughter that catapults you to the floor and leaves you gasping for breath.
HIM: I'm a big tipper.
ME: I always tip 20% because it's easy math.
HIM: You'll find my aperture most often between f/2.0 and f/2.8.
ME: My camera is generally set on automatic because that, too, is easier.
HIM: I work hard.
ME: I work hard but I'm finally starting to embrace a healthy balance between work & play.
HIM: I have good manners and lousy penmanship.
ME: I have good manners and lazy penmanship. Besides, I type way faster than I write.
HIM: I fly kites.
ME: I used to fly kites as a kid in the backyard with my dad. Now, I fly. I'm an aerialist.
HIM: I love to shop.
ME: I love to shop but not as much as I did when I was in my 20s.
HIM: After 20 years of therapy, I'm in touch with my feelings.
ME: After umpteen years of therapy and a lifetime/career of creative self-expression, I'm very much in touch with my feelings.
HIM: I'm not afraid of commitment.
ME: I'm not afraid of commitment but I'm definitely in no rush. My last relationship was eight years including six years of marriage.
HIM: I prefer LPs.
ME: I recently discovered Spotify & I like it.
HIM: I masturbate regularly.
ME: I masturbate regularly.
HIM: You should too.
ME: You should too.
HIM: I can decorate an apt better than 95% of the gay community, yet have never handled a penis other than mine.
ME: I believe your home should feel like your personal oasis in the city.
HIM: I have dear, dear friends.
ME: I have dear, dear friends.
HIM: I drink fine wine.
ME: I love a good malbec, montepulciano or petite sirah. But I also like whiskey.
HIM: I make a very good living.
ME: For the past 20years I've made a living following my passions. I'm not rich monetarily but I feel pretty damn lucky!
HIM: I own too many motorcycles.
ME: I've ridden on the back of a motorcycle once. The idea of riding a motorcycle in the city scares me.
HIM: I tease. Mercilessly.
ME: I don't like being teased. At all.
HIM: I kiss on the first date.
ME: I don't kiss on the first date.
HIM: I'm not judgmental in any way.
ME: I'm not judgmental in any way.
HIM: I’m intuitive.
ME: I’m intuitive.
HIM: I’m really 50, but handsome in a "..now that's a 50 year old guy I'd fuck.." kinda way.
ME: I’m 42 and think I still look fuckable. Besides, most people think I'm in my early 30s anyway.
HIM: I'm lucky.
HIM: I don't consider myself lucky. I make shit happen. I realize that contradicts a previous statement. I do that sometimes; contradict myself. But I'm aware of it.
HIM: I'm not psychotic like Christian Grey, but if you liked 50 Shades, you're gonna love me.
ME: I couldn't get past page 10 of "50 Shades of Grey". The writing was abysmal!
HIM: I'm a master at Shibari.
ME:I googled Shibari *wink*
HIM: I'm healthy.
ME: I'm healthy, physically active & thrive on dance and exercise.
HIM: I'm rather passionate about kissing.
ME: I'm rather passionate about deep levels of intimacy and any physical manifestation of such.
HIM: I weigh 169 lbs at the moment.
ME: A lady never reveals her weight. At least not this lady!
HIM: I'd like to fall in love, one last time, but I'm not in a rush, so let's enjoy this.
ME: I'd like to fall in love but I'm in absolutely no rush either. I'm on OkCupid to expand my social circle and make new friends. If something develops from there... bonus! Like, major bonus!!!
HIM: I'm intense (you think..?)
ME: I'm intense (you think..?). As for what I hope YOU bring to the table? Your honest, authentic self with no pretense or expectations.
*HIT SEND, AWAIT REPLY*