After minimal hours of sleep and a strong cup of coffee by my side, I clocked in at my new full-time job: cultivating a love connection on OkCupid. It required the labor intensive tasks of sorting though and scrutinizing profiles and quiver connections to see if anyone peaked my interest or titillated my ego. I had to dig deep and answer personality and lifestyle questions, evaluate their level of importance in a romantic relationship and wait for OkCupid to do their mathematical magic and narrow down the best matches for me. Plus I had to respond (or not) to the e-mails flooding my in-box. Who knew that finding love in this densely populated city would require so much work!
Sure enough, awaiting me was a response from "Mr. Fifty Shades". "I loved waking up to your thoughtful response. If you were with me under the covers right now I'd kiss you so passionately." Kiss me passionately? Under the covers? So soon? Talk about 0 to 65 in .5 seconds! Were we on some type of relationship fast-track? Because knowing his OkCupid name plus miscellaneous details about his tastes and preferences certainly wasn't enough to build passionate fantasies upon. Call me old-fashioned but I would've preferred a more personal (like, face-to-face) connection and natural chemistry to dictate the future of our relationship. I mean, not just anyone qualifies to fill the void of my loneliness or horniness, for that matter. I was looking for more than just a warm body.
So I chose NOT to respond. Well, at least not right away. I had to figure out what I wanted from this situation. I could've played along. I could've pretended that our virtual repartee felt like unbearably pleasurable foreplay. That I was breathlessly awaiting physical culmination of these intense, albeit manufactured, feelings. You know, fake it. But what it really felt like was inexperienced disregard for all of my erogenous zones while he went straight to penetration and self-pleasure. Typical. And what was in it for me besides a bit of friction? So I sat contemplating whether or not to hold out for what I really wanted and needed; that inexplicable, magnetic pull that makes me feel powerless in its presence. That electrically charged connection between bodies and minds that makes me feel open, wild and vulnerable. Or should I let single-itis dictate my needs; putting dating and romance on hold and opt for some action and adventure without chemistry, emotions or strings attached?
I let hours pass before another message appeared in my in-box. "I hope I didn't scare you off with my last message.". Well yeah, he kinda did. Had he been more of a communicator than a premature ejaculator, he might've sustained my interest. At the same time, since it had been more than a decade since I had dated anyone, I couldn't help but wonder if my needs were too complicated and expectations too high. Had flirting, dating, romance and passion become passe? Had people become so disenfranchised by love that they had given up on the whole idea and resorted to on-line dating to satisfy their carnal needs? Was OkCupid just a cheap escort service? Is that what I signed up for? A few more hours passed before my next e-mail message from "Mr. Fifty Shades".
"You must be pretty uptight and prudish if you got offended by my e-mail."Hmmm... I wasn't even uptight and prudish when I was a Jehovah's Witness and supposed to be uptight and prudish. How 'bout: "Dude, I'm just not that into you!". But instead of getting all contentious with my sexually eager and emotionally combative new pen pal I responded peaceably.
ME: "If you had taken the time to get to know me, you would have discovered that I'm far from prudish. I felt I made it clear in my initial e-mail that "I'm on OkCupid to expand my social circle and make new friends. If something develops from there... bonus! Like, major bonus!!!" I also told you that "I don't kiss on the first date" and that I prefer "no pretense or expectations". So, yes, your response made me uncomfortable."
HIM: Noted and thank you. I guess we're on here for different reasons. I'm definitely looking for physical relationships. And if friendship develops from there... bonus!
ME: Well, good luck fulfilling all your sexual fantasies on OkCupid ; )
HIM: You ROCK!
And with that, I deleted my OkCupid profile and decided to test my luck in the real world.