So there I laid; conflicted, naked and smothered in his arms. The rain beating against the window perfected the scene of our formulaic romantic drama. (insert voice-over): "Will Keex honor her true needs and desires or succumb to the temporary pleasures and the needy longings of her heart?" What I really needed was to go home and salvage at least a shred of integrity out of this whole situation. My desire for self-respect felt overwhelmingly stronger than any comfort with our friends-with-benefits situation. When I announced quietly that I needed to go home, he look at me compassionately through sleepy, red eyes and offered to drive. Huddled under an umbrella we walked to the car, drove in silence and kissed goodbye.
I didn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling full of disappointment with myself. I was one year older but not any wiser. Not to mention, back to lonely because I'd invested into a relationship going nowhere. Couldn't blame anyone but myself. What did I do to invite rejection into my life again? In my exhausted stupor I was able to admit that, for over three hundred and (friggin') sixty-five days, I'd chosen fear over vulnerability! Why? Because I knew what the outcome would be. It was clear to me deep down inside that, no matter how amazing it felt when we were together, he wasn't emotionally available. The only thing unclear was whether it was purely circumstantial or that he simply didn't want that type of relationship with ME. And instead of just asking, I chose to prolong what we shared because it felt good. Even with the missing pieces. Well, good enough. I ignored whatever was missing in order to live in the bubble of great chemistry, connection and conversation. Because that ride was way more fun than looking in the mirror and seeing my own weakness; the fact that I would settle for less than what I wanted and deserved... just to have something. I had obviously hit an emotional plateau and it was time for more soul-searching.
But first I had to be angry at someone! So I chose the Universe. It felt quite apparent we were no longer suitable partners for co-creating my happiness. How dare It tease me with Mr. Weird Science project for a year and not let me "have" him? How dare It sit idle as I set myself up for more disappointment? How dare It not intervene and protect my fragile little ego? In a masochistic form of retaliation I decided to go rogue for awhile because that little ego needed some attention. I immediately set up profiles across three (yes, three) on-line dating sites and started fielding e-mails from weirdos and whack-jobs who didn't hesitate to tell that fragile little ego just how hot and fuckable it was. And when I wasn't playing Gal Friday to my on-line dating side business, I kept myself busy sipping whiskey at local bars and lounges and passing out my number to the young, boring and mundane men (boys) looking for booty calls they were never gonna get.
But all that anger and shallowness became exhausting after about a week. Okay, maybe two. I felt completely unauthentic. Besides, no one compared to Mr. Weird Science project. If I couldn't be with him, I wanted to be in a relationship with someone like him. So, I phased out of the on-line dating and back into more soul-searching. I needed to find some peace in this latest incarnation of lonely.
And then the Universe pulled the ultimate whammy. I bumped into him on the street!